It’s no secret that I’m drawn to the sensual side of life, that I embrace the “disgrace”. I am shaped by my experiences, however; I believe even if there were alterations in my timeline- somehow, someway, I would still be on the same sexy path.
To give you some background on my upbringing, I was raised in a conservative Christian household -church two times a week, parents taught Sunday school, etc. From an early age I started touching myself. I was told by a friend later, who was a preschool teacher, that this is common among toddlers. The memories of young me are blurry, but I remember I had no concept of shame or guilt about this at first. I would just start rubbing myself over my bottoms with a blanket I always carried around. My parents constantly told me to stop, but never explained why or what I was doing. I didn’t know what I was doing- to be honest, I didn’t realize til HIGH SCHOOL I was masturbating. Once I had gotten into trouble enough, I began to hide this “bad habit” of mine, waiting until goodnights were said before turning over and humping the bed, not stopping until my legs cramped. I never really fingered myself, even once I learned a little more, always some covers- couldn’t tell ya why.
The unconceptualized idea of sex was never far from my mind. Whenever I played Barbies I would always make them do sexual things- mind you I have no idea what this actually looked like because I didn’t know anything at the time. Growing up, switching to playing The Sims, my favorite thing would be to make the characters “woohoo”, having them do it over and over again. I’m also pretty sure I made some friends feel uncomfortable with our interactions during those years. One instance I can recall is a group of us playing ‘dogs’ and I remember brushing up against someone all weird and flirty. There was a definitely a WTF moment afterwards.
Once I reached pre/early teen years, the little bubble I was in started expanding, but I felt as if everyone knew more than I did. I remember being so sheltered that when the kids on the bus asked me if I was straight, I didn’t know what they meant. After increasing inquires, a panic rose inside of me and I let out, “No. I don’t know. Maybe.” Looking back now although another rumor of my sexuality was started in middle school, I do think the core stemmed back all the way to elementary school bus years.
The only time I wasn’t self conscious and insecure was outside of school- and church for that matter. I felt I could be myself better around people that didn’t know me, that I wasn’t expected to act or be a certain way and I had time to “find” myself. Travelling, even with family seemed to increase this energy flow I would feel- like anything is possible. At 12,13,14 we would go on trips and as I walked around, I would feel eyes upon me. Now, let’s side bar- and say that growing into a woman (especially from my background) is a strange thing. You have all these feelings and questions inside of you, but are too ashamed to bring it up to anyone. That GIRLS are sexualized from a young age. I remember I was around 10 years old when I was first cat called while walking to the gas station. It’s a despicable thing to do to a child. There I was afraid, but also a part of me liking the attention.
My ma made once told me that wherever I go I bring a certain energy and people can’t help but to notice. I was around 14 or 15 years old. This has stuck with me throughout my life and I believe it is a part of why I can do what I do- I’m used to eyes on me. I learned to thrive in the stares, love the longing looks. I believe I have learned to show my authentic, raw, unfiltered self and when people come across this type of energy, they aren’t used to it. Therefore becoming drawn to and intrigued by it-me. I don’t say any of this conceitedly, it’s just how it is. I’ve gone from thinking it was a curse to blessing and a curse- to now, where I know it is my God given gift. I find endless genuine connections with people through this gift and it allows me to thrive and be my true self. I’m more out there than some, not at much as others, but I am- and will always be true to the real, raunchy me.
XOX Anna Nikki
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